Friday, December 2, 2011

never start a story with a funeral

the hardest thing about this morning was not hearing tater bark when i opened that damn purple container of plastic food.

yesterday was about being an adult, i guess.  how funny that we spend our entire childhood discussing what we are going to be, and do and the places we will live, once we grow up.  but those aren't the things that await us in that mythical future.  instead, it's a world of hard decisions that we inherit from those who pass before us.  it's a world of choices, that we can either hide from or drown in. 

do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up?  did you do it?  when you got older, did you have to abandon the dreams you never achieved?

i guess i if i had to i could pull together a quick list:

supreme court justice

and it's that last one that keeps popping back into my life. 

watching my parents, it always seemed as though they were getting ready for the end.  they had routines, they didn't go anywhere special, they worked and saved.  nothing changed.

then my mother, out of nowhere, went and got her a job.  and her whole attitude changed.  she and i would go places and do things and spend money.  she had restarted her life. 

it's a common occurence these days.  30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30 and life doesn't begin until 50.  i read that true happiness doesn't begin (and this is apparently true across borders and cultures), that you truly don't appreciate life until you turn 46.

so i guess that's what i've been waiting for.  the grown up moment, a birthday, a date and an age when i can smile at the things i have in my life and feel good about the decisions i've made.

yesterday, i decided to end tater's life before his suffering became too much.  one day i'll tell you the story of how close i actually came to doing the same for someone very dear to me.

all tater ever wanted was a lap to lay on.  in the end, that's where he breathed his last.  it was a hard decision, but the right one.

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