Wednesday, August 6, 2014

On the road to losing myself...

There really is no difference between the known and unknown.  Or at least I used to think so.  It's all just things.  Things that fit into categories or situations what harbor within themselves easy solutions.

People like to say things like, "It's better to know than not to know.". But the only real difference between the two is how you react.  Of course I once read on a toilet paper holder in a dive bar in the French quarter that 'Shit Happens, what matters is how you react to it".  I also saw this in a fortune cookie one time.  Chuckle now at the connection of such knowledge while you eat and then relieve yourself.  It would appear that both ends agree on that message.

So, what is it that I don't know?  I guess for the few years after coming out of the math haze the thing I knew very little about was myself.  The vehicle for my purpose.   It was challenging, like a doped out Rip Van Winkle.  Things that I thought I enjoyed ten years earlier were no longer relevant. 

Food, music, movies and television shows.  Clothes, things that people said and did for fun.  I had stopped somewhere in the late nineties.  Stopped altogether.  When I came out of the other end it was like waking up in a different world.  I was completely lost.  Or so I thought.  Now I understand that I had actually lost the things that constitute what I have, thrown into memory, passed away into a distant world that I no longer could live in,

There were so many things I had to learn to do again.  Like relating to other people which is something I was never good at to begin with.  Now there was a distance to my relationships brought on my decayed and devastated nerve endings in my brain.  

How odd it was to have lived a life for ten years and not know who I was, what I enjoyed.  Things I had not sat around and considered were now, suddenly, relevant.  I wanted to know myself.  But there wasn't anything there.  What I had known, was essentially unknown.

Now, just short of turning fifty and being HIV positive for twenty years (my anniversary is just two weeks away.  The one when I got those test results). I am going to embark on a bit of a journey, one in which I get lost in the unknown.  But not the unknown behind me, rather an exploration of what is in front of me.

I want to stop letting the past be an excuse for why I fail all the time.  I want to be the person I always dreamed I'd be.  

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